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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27700964">the elf on the shelf: a christmas tradition</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinnfameron/pseuds/dinnfameron'>dinnfameron</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Schitt's Creek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Magic, Christmas, Dialogue-Only, Fluff and Humor, M/M, and then they fall in love, david &amp; patrick are elves on the shelf, idk i have no excuse, language unbefitting christmas elves, that's it that's the fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 03:55:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,377</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27700964</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinnfameron/pseuds/dinnfameron</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>David is an Elf on the Shelf. He’s assigned to the Schitt residence, where he ends up sharing a shelf with a certain snarky fellow elf named Patrick. </p><p>aka the Christmas crack we all need in these trying times.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Patrick Brewer/David Rose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the elf on the shelf: a christmas tradition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daydreamingduckling/gifts">Daydreamingduckling</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So grapehyasynth started it with her (always amusing af) episode commentary, and then ohhalesyeah did an edit which was hilarious, and then daydreamingduckling made <a href="https://daydreamingduckling.tumblr.com/post/635518086577078272/elfs-on-a-shelf-falling-in-love-inspired-by">this perfect image</a>, and then I was the idiot who was like “who’s writing it?” Except lol I played myself because the second B said “you?” these voices would NOT shut up in my head. </p><p>So…thanks to the three of them, I guess? And also I’m sorry?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>“Welcome to the Schitt House.”</p><p>“Ew. That bad, huh?”</p><p>“What? No, sorry, that’s their name. The people who live here? Roland and Jocelyn Schitt, and the little one is Rollie Jr.”</p><p>“Okay, every inch of that sentence made me sick.”</p><p>“Haha, yeah. They’re a little different I guess. Nice enough though. And hey, at least you’ve got me. I, uh, was alone here last year.”</p><p>“Oh. Yeah, no, I bet that was…not fun.”</p><p>“It was not.”</p><p>“Well, I’m glad you’re here then. Not sure how I would fare having to experience the <em>Schitt House</em> all on my own.”</p><p>“Happy to help. So do you have a name, or should I call you Buddy?”</p><p>“Please don’t? David. I’m David.”</p><p>“Patrick.”</p><p>“Well, you won’t be alone this year, Patrick. You’ll have me. Though you’ll probably wish you could go back to being alone soon enough.”</p><p>“Come on, don’t sell yourself short. I’m sure talking to you will be much more entertaining than staring off into space all month.”</p><p>“Mmm. High praise. Thanks so much.”</p><p>“Don’t mention it.”</p><p> </p><p>+++++</p><p> </p><p>“So apparently it’s like a thing to pose me around the house in cute little scenes like I’m getting the place ready for Christmas. They left me on the stairs and made it look like I was stringing up lights.”</p><p>“Um, yeah. That’s… that’s the whole point of us. Did you not know that?”</p><p>“No! Did you know that when you were fresh out of the box?”</p><p>“Yeah, David. Elf on the Shelf is a pretty popular tradition.”</p><p>“Well, it’s a stupid tradition.”</p><p>“Oh, agreed.”</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“What?”</p><p><em>“I’m</em> an Elf on the Shelf. You think I’m stupid?”</p><p>“What? No! Not you, just the – I’m an Elf on the Shelf, too! Look, you’re the one who said–”</p><p>“What about you? Do they not stick you around the house doing...elf…things? Are you here in some sort of supervisory capacity?”</p><p>“No, they do. They had me all rigged up in an oversized Christmas mug with marshmallows and candy canes sticking out, like I was in a hot tub, but with cocoa.”</p><p>“Oh, of course. Leave it to me to do all the work decorating, while you just get to sit there and look pretty.”</p><p>“Aww. You think I’m pretty?”</p><p>“Oh my god, I can’t talk to you.”</p><p> </p><p>+++++</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”</p><p>“They stuck me in a<em> tree</em> and left me there. I probably have sap everywhere. Here, you look. Do I have sap on my back?”</p><p>“You appear to be sap-free.”</p><p>“Ugh. I need, like, nine showers. Do you think there were bugs in the tree? There were probably bugs.”</p><p>“It’s okay, David.”</p><p>“I can feel them crawling on my body.”</p><p>“You don’t have any bugs, I promise. If it makes you feel better I can hose you down in the sink after they go to sleep.”</p><p>“As long as you promise never to speak of this… this indignity to anyone.”</p><p>“Who would I even tell?”</p><p> </p><p> +++++</p><p> </p><p>“So where were you this time?”</p><p>“They put me in the cookie jar. Made it look like I was eating all the cookies.”</p><p>“And did you?”</p><p>“A gentleman never tells.”</p><p>“So that’s a yes, then.”</p><p>“I mean. I didn’t eat <em>all </em>the cookies.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“What about you?”</p><p>“Oh, they had me rappelling down from the ceiling onto the mantel with a bunch of garland. It was actually pretty fun.”</p><p>“You <em>would</em> think that.”</p><p>“What’s the matter, David? You don’t like mountaineering?”</p><p>“Mm, yes, I love intentionally placing myself on a high elevation for the purpose of strenuous physical exercise. It’s my favorite.”</p><p>“Good to know. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m planning our first date.”</p><p>“You– that’s–”</p><p>“What’s that? It almost seemed like you were going to say something? But then you couldn’t? Like you were…rendered speechless.”</p><p>“Oh, shut up. I wish you’d get rendered speechless.”</p><p>“Okay, David.”  </p><p> </p><p>+++++</p><p> </p><p>“Do you know which movie they picked?”</p><p>“Nope. I’m just glad we can see the TV from here.”</p><p>“You couldn’t see the TV last year? How did you even survive?”</p><p>“Honestly? Not sure. This year is so much better. For a lot of reasons.”</p><p>“Oh. Well, that’s…ooh okay, shh. It’s starting.”</p><p>“Oh, nice. I love this one.”</p><p>“But. Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie!”</p><p>“David. It is <em>the</em> Christmas movie.”</p><p>“No, the honor of that title goes to the Kate Winslet/Cameron Diaz vehicle The Holiday. We would also accept Love Actually. Watching an action movie with a bunch of guns and violence and Colonel Brandon doing a German accent is an incorrect way to mark the season.”</p><p>“You have a lot of feelings about this.”  </p><p>“How did I manage to wind up in the one household with absolutely no culture or taste?”</p><p>“Sheer luck, David. Sheer luck.”</p><p>“This is my nightmare.”</p><p>“Look, how about tonight, after everyone goes to sleep, we sneak down and watch a different movie? A correct one. You pick.”</p><p>“…with snacks?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Okay. That would be nice.”</p><p>“Good. Now pipe down and get ready to enjoy Bruce Willis in a tank top.”</p><p> </p><p>+++++</p><p> </p><p>“I’m glad they keep forgetting to do anything with us.”</p><p>“Yeah, I think that’s kinda the norm with the whole Elf on the Shelf thing. Starts off strong, but by the middle of December it loses its charm.”</p><p>“…”</p><p>“Not that I’m saying you’re losing your charm! That’s not – you’re still very charming. To me. Not that I mean – okay, I’m shutting up now.”</p><p>“I wish you wouldn’t.”</p><p>“…Yeah?”</p><p>“Why do you think I’m glad they keep forgetting? It means I get to spend more time up here. With you.”</p><p>“Oh. Thank you, David.”</p><p>“You’re welcome.”</p><p> </p><p>+++++</p><p> </p><p>“I wasn’t sure you were coming back.”</p><p>“Rollie Jr. had a bad dream and needed one of the elves to sleep in his room.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Were you worried about me?”</p><p>“…No. I just didn’t want to be the only one is all. What? Don’t look at me like that. It was an entertainment thing. I would be bored without someone to tease all day.”</p><p>“Well, don’t worry, David. I’m not going anywhere. So you can tease me as much as you want.”</p><p>“Mkay, was that supposed to be a wink? You are so ridiculous.”</p><p>“You love it.”</p><p> </p><p>+++++</p><p> </p><p>“What’s he <em>doing</em>?”</p><p>“I have as much information about this as you do.”</p><p>“God, he’s going to fall off that stepladder.”</p><p>“There’s a good chance.”</p><p>“Okay, so he’s…nailing something…to the ceiling? What is that, like, a bunch of herbs? Is this one of those pagan holdover portions of Christmas that I don’t know about or are the Schitts just in a cult? Because that second theory honestly tracks.”</p><p>“Ohhh.”</p><p>“Oh? What, you know what that is? I feel like I’ve stumbled into the Blair Witch Project.”</p><p>“It’s, um, it’s mistletoe.”</p><p>“It’s… oh.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>"…"</p><p>“Did you maybe wanna go for a walk with me over to the foyer tonight, David?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Patrick. What would we do once we got there?”</p><p>“I bet we could think of something.”</p><p>“Hm. Let me think about it and get back to you.”</p><p>“You do that.”</p><p>“Oh. Oh, <em>god.</em> Are they…?”</p><p>“Nope, yeah, they definitely are.”</p><p>“Ew! He did not just–”</p><p>“How does she even bend like that?”</p><p>“Nope, okay, I’m pretty sure <em>that’s</em> illegal.”</p><p>“All right, let’s just very subtly turn away...”</p><p>“I’m blind now.”</p><p> </p><p>+++++</p><p> </p><p>“I, for one, am very relieved the Schitts decided to go spend Christmas with their other son at that commune. Who knows what sort of festive horrors we might have been subjected to had they stayed.”</p><p>“I shudder to think.”</p><p> “Mhm.”</p><p>“And, you have to admit, it is nice to have the place all to ourselves.”</p><p>“It is.”</p><p>“It’s pretty romantic in here, actually, with the lights from the tree, and the snow falling softly outside…”</p><p>“Wow. That was very smooth, how you slid all the way over to my side of the shelf like that. Impressive.”</p><p>“Come on, David, our work is done. Let me take you somewhere.”</p><p>“Where are you gonna take me, exactly? The North Pole?”</p><p>“I’ve heard people raving about how moderately edible the food in the kitchen is. We could go for a Christmas Eve dinner? See where the night takes us?”</p><p>“Well…yes. I’d like that.”</p><p>“Merry Christmas, David.”</p><p>“Merry Christmas, Patrick.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm <a href="https://dinnfameron.tumblr.com">dinnfameron</a> on tumblr  come say hiiii.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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